Changes – Skirtingroundmylife

Selfie Queen

This poem is probably one of the most personal ones I’ve ever written. It recalls a childhood memory from my primary school years and shows just how far I’ve come in the time since I was afraid to show myself in my class photograph. It was recently published in the Wee Dreich 5 anthology and it’s titled Selfie Queen I hope you enjoy the read as much as the young female footballer who encouraged me to write it.

Selfie Queen.

School Photograph
primary years
in the summer of 72
cloudless skies
disguise one child’s inhibitions
sitting in the front row
their face is hidden
from the camera
as friends and classmates smile
who knew the boy
ashamed to be seen
in a childhood memory
would in later years become a selfie queen
and share her new pictures on Instagram

Dirty Dancing

In this poem which is my first of an erotic nature I take a trip back in time to the mid to late 1980’s as a twenty something explored her sexuality and discovered more about herself with a bit of dirty dancing than her mother could possibly have dreamed of , and from that day on knew there were places known to her which had previously been beyond her imagination. I’ve given it the title Dirty Dancing I hope you enjoy the read.

Dirty Dancing

There was something about Swayze
Like there was something with Kylie or Madonna
The provocative allure was there in the magnetism
Just like when the Chippendales made me blush
In that forbidden way
That I never told my mother
Yet she still seemed to know
Some mother and daughter secrets Are best left unspoken
Especially when the daughter is trans
And would have liked to invite Swayze back to her place
For a night of dirty dancing
With a do not disturb sign on the door

Neighbours

In this poem I take a look at the union between Scotland And England and compare it to a relationship which has run out of time and is no longer fit for purpose. I’ve given it the title Neighbours I hope you enjoy the read .

Neighbours

When we first became acquainted
love and hate came in equal measure
with hearts of fire

when we moved in
temperatures cooled
we respected each other
had boundaries and rules

On settling down
contentment brought us
to a place of togetherness

When routine came calling
habits became harder to break
we were over critical
of the smallest mistake

But when we realised
how much we’d been through
we made a decision
to remember the good times
And be neighbours
rather than flatmates

Girl Mode

In this poem I look at Eddie Izzard’s recent decision to come out as gender fluid and her desire to use female pronouns. Whilst being supportive of Ms Izzard’s right to identify as she wishes I am tired of having to explain to people that as a transwoman I’m nothing like her and never will be. To me there is no such thing as girl mode because that implies to me that if girl mode gets too challenging they can always change back to boy mode and retain their male privilege. I really am less than pleased that I have to explain that this is me 24/ 7 and I don’t swap between the two genders whenever I decide I need a chance of an easier life. To me I am who I am for better or worse and it’s for this reason I’ve titled it Girl Mode I think you’ll find it an interesting read.

Girl Mode

You can’t switch it off
and then turn it on
like a tap
there’s more to transitioning than that
though some may be content
to be a woman at weekends
it could never be me
my life is not a trend
or the latest fashion accessory
it’s who I am
who I always was
who I was meant to be
I’ve known this since before I reached my teens
my dreams were woman’s dreams
though I couldn’t risk coming out
in days when it wasn’t safe
to walk the streets
and there was always fear of attack
you were always looking back
for shadows stalking your path
laughter and taunts haunting your heart
in the silent darkness of night
or the clear cold light of morning
I endured name calling
and years of self doubt
before I was allowed to be proud of myself
this is about emotional health
It’s not boob envy
or playing gender swap
in a shop where you can purchase
new identies by the day
this is real
it’s not about the roles we play
there is no such thing as girl mode

From This Day Forward (For Amy Fraser)

Last week one of my favourite ever brides celebrated her first wedding anniversary. Tonight I share the poem I wrote for her big day. It’s dedicated to Amy Fraser and it’s titled From This Day Forward I hope you enjoy the read.

From This Day Forward.

Dreaming since girlhood
planning this day
since before I reached my teens
in the days when crushes came and went
and were symbolised by changes
of posters on my bedroom wall
high school dances
with the boy most likely to claim my heart
faded in to the past like hearts drawn in jotters
or initials carved in desks or maybe on trees
life teaches us lessons to lead us
where it must
and it led me to you
my amazing man who makes dreams come true
just by being yourself
you know me in ways biblical and spiritual
you have learned how to cope with my worst and my best
that’s why I love you and why I said yes
to spending the rest of my life as your wife
It’s why I stand here as your bride
It’s why I smile a secret smile
knowing that all my dreams have come true
and the plans I made for the greatest day of my life
have finally been fulfilled.
as we journey to the future together
from this day forward

Nobody’s Property

I wrote this poem in 2019 in the run up to the 16 Days Of Action campaign which highlights domestic violence against women. For this reason I’ve given it a *** Trigger Warning *** I titled it Nobody’s Property I hope you find it a thought provoking read.

Nobody’s Property

When they meet at the dancing
he charms her, with silver tongued promises
a life beyond all she could ever imagine
he will be her hero
her prince, and her champion
as long as no man ever
gives her a second glance

she accepts his invitation to dance
Initally there are sparks,
they kiss all is bliss
though her friends have yet to be convinced
she is happy with him
and he treats her well
for now

but, after she moves in
the magic starts to fade
the wine and roses disappear from view
her mother and her pals told her
if something sounds too good to be true
then it usually is
on cold winter’s nights reality begins to bite
privately she can see all is not as she’d like it to be

he starts to tell her that her skirts
should sit below the knee
there are he says things only he is allowed to see
after all he is her man
he can’t have other guys casting envious eyes
on his property

her friends and family worry
she is becoming more reserved
she is not her usual self
they see a pattern emerging here
they know the difference
between respect and fear
and he has crossed the line

yet still she thinks the sun shines out of him
that she couldn’t live without him
when they raise their concerns
she is reluctant to listen
insisting that he is a good man
if only they’d give him a chance

then he gives her a slap
for contradicting his opinion
he didn’t want to hurt her
but she made him do it
yes his tantrum was her fault
in the world according to him

she forgives him at first
till the violence gets worse
and her friends realise
the black marks beneath her eyes
are not from badly applied mascara.
as she claims

ashamed by his conditioning
she stays for a while
hoping she’ll be the one to change him
till eyes run like rivers
and smiles are no more than memories
swept away on a tide of tears

Eventually she faces her fears
knows she has to leave
finally locking the door on abuse
she can be herself again
as she remembers, she is a woman. she is nobody’s property

Good Girl Pants

In this poem I relate a story from my personal history which led to me seeing myself in a very different way than I had previously thought possible. As a bisexual transwoman I had in recent years become increasingly aware of my attraction to both sexes but I think I was still reluctant to embrace the more Sapphic side of my personality. That said however, this incident in which a women challenged me to consider the fact that I may enjoy a lesbian relationship and find it more emotionally and sexually rewarding than a heterosexual one went a long way to changing that perception and made me a more assertive and confident woman who is now more open to that kind of relationship than I would ever have believed I could be The fact that I am now open to love in whatever form it comes can only be a good thing for my emotional and spiritual health and that will have a positive impact on all areas of my life. I’ve given it the title Good Girl Pants I hope you enjoy the read.

Good Girl Pants

It was early evening
I think we were the only two in the bar
it’s always quiet at that time
we knew each other by sight
we got chatting about everyday stuff
the fluff of conversation
then like a bolt from the blue
she asks me if I had ever considered
a lesbian relationship
I blushed like a schoolgirl
for a moment I was 16
again
said I hadn’t given it much thought
she smiled and suggested I should
but I was wearing my good girl pants
scared to take a chance
in case I liked it
this was an invite to temptation
she says she knows
what I could and couldn’t do
but that a woman could always find her way
round such challenges
well you’re never too old to explore your sexuality she teased
I licked my lips at the idea
she had opened my eyes to a new way of loving
where I would discover myself
and take the chance to dance
and be a different kind of women
to the one who always crossed her legs
and wore her good girl pants

Twelve Days

Happy New Year one and all. Since my first post of the year is written on the first Monday of the month it seems appropriate to share this poem on the night Jen and I made our journey to our first ever night at Milk which was to become our new home for Words And Music . I’ve given it the title it Twelve Days when you read you’ll understand why.

Twelve Days (For Jen )

Slowly and carefully she maps out
a route to the future
it’s pitch black
as workers travel home
from their first day back
the empty streets
speak in the silence
as the Christmas decorations
shine for one last night
before the return to normality
ends the season of goodwill
tills jingle less than church bells
as the new year settles in
standing in the shadows of the city
she waits aprenhensively
on the arrival of her younger friend
hoping she doesn’t freeze to death in the chill of the winter air
on catching her eye
her companion rushes to meet her
and in the dark of a January sky
they catch up on Christmas stories
venturing together to the poetry night
they co-host
as they wait for the bus
in the quiet of an early evening
they see not ghosts
but a heart shaped chain
made by memories
and an unbreakable bond
grows stronger
with gifts of smiles and friendship
they will share for far longer
than just twelve days a year

A Story Of Gender Dysphoria

I really should have shared this poem on International Transgender Remembrance Day for reasons I think explain themselves. It’s titled A Story Of Gender Dysphoria.I hope you enjoy the read.

A Story Of Gender Dysphoria

When you’re taking hormones
you’ve been medically prescribed
as a way to help you change your life
when your personal anthem is I will survive
you know you have gender dysphoria

When you’ve been for a psychiatric assessment
to talk about decades of self resentment
and the specialist sees you
in a place of contentment
you know you’ve got gender dysphoria

When you’ve had your feelings dismissed as a phase
When your body feels wrong like you’re trapped in cage
like you’re living your life in a permanent rage
you know you’ve got gender dysphoria

When you’ve written in your poems
about thoughts you’ve repressed
and you’ve asked the psychiatrist what they suggest
when you’re told that your brain
doesn’t match to your sex
you know you’ve got gender dysphoria

When you’re told you must live every day for a year
no matter the taunts the abuse , or the smears
and you still believe it’s a reason to cheer
you know you’ve got gender dysphoria

On the bus at the bar or even at church
when you’re going to the football the the theatre or work
when there isn’t a place in the world
you can shirk
you know you’ve got gender dysphoria

On the days you dispair and your not at your best
as your visitors dance with some unwelcome guests
even when you’re labelled as a man in a dress
you know you’ve got gender dysphoria

When the year is completed
and the treatment gets real
you know it was you who signed up
for this deal
when no words how amazing it feels
you know you’ve got gender dysphoria

When emotions kick in and the changes get started
as relatives grieve and your mum’s broken hearted
yet you feel fantastic as they mourn the departed
you know you’ve got gender dysphoria

When you’re waxing your legs
till the hair disappears
when you’re changing your shape
and things start to appear
when going back to your past life would give you the fear
you know you’ve got gender dysphoria

When your looking the part and your confidence soares
and the truth of your life is no longer is ignored
and you didn’t get dressed up because you were bored
you know you’ve got gender dysphoria

You knew who you were from a very young age
and though elders claimed it was only a phase
by the words you eventually placed on the page
you knew you had gender dysphoria

So now I’ve explained things
I hope you can see
that the cage is now empty the bird has flown free
this change has made me the best I can be
and I know I have gender dysphoria

Gift To Herself

In this poem I look at what can often be one of the hardest days a transwoman or indeed any trans person can ever face and that’s their first Christmas with the family. This is a day which is often fraught with difficulties and needs to be handled with care and sensitivity to ensure all goes as well as it can in the circumstances particularly if it is also the day when the family and friends find out the name their relative has chosen to be known by. I’ve given it the title Gift To Herself I hope you enjoy the read.

Gift To Herself

Aprenhensive she expected
stares, glares, and growls
when she wore her dress to dinner
that her mother said was unfit to be seen
in front of the queen on this day of all days
like the monarch had a direct satellite
in to their front room
as if she watched her dad carve the turkey
before starting the same tired old speech
to those who could be bothered to listen
her dad was fine though , kissing her cheek on arrival
for his daughter’s first Christmas
with the family
he made it clear neither her transition
nor her sexuality was to be discussed
other relatives blushed maintaining an awkward silence
as the stuffing was passed round the table
she wore her best smile to mask
the nerves the occasion demanded
eventually she cracked some jokes
and others begun to understand
she hadn’t really changed
as much as they had feared
she explained the reason why
she had to take the step
and why this family gathering
was the best time to do it
well it’s important to get it sorted
before dessert
the others agreed it was an appropriate time to get it done
as her dad asked Alexa to play
girls just wanna have fun
she handed everyone a cracker
and on the count of three
they pulled them to find party hats favours and a piece of paper
containing the name she chose
as a gift to herself
to wear as her personal identity