In this poem on transgender issues and mental health I look at how I probably saved myself from having a pretty serious episode by managing my gender identity in a more pragmatic style than I would have liked during the period up to and including my teenage years. Realistically I knew I had no choice as 1970’s Glasgow was not a safe place to be a trans girl especially a trans teen whose hormones were all over place. I’ve given it the title Just To Be A Girl. I hope you enjoy the read.
Just To Be A Girl
I knew from my earliest memory
this wasn’t how it should be
trapped in a cave built by others
to hold me
I wanted to break free
be who I was
but Santa never brought me
the presents on my list
at sweet sixteen I had never been kissed
and blushed so easily when I thought
of the crushes I could never name
to family or friends at school
I knew the rules and played by them
whilst secretly lusting after boys I met at parties
I was never cut out to be a boy
my body was not my choice
it was just a place to live in
the Britain of my youth
was not comfortable for girls like me
secret calls to LGBT switchboard
were made in the darkness of night
in days I was frightened to be honest
I wasn’t all Doris Day I was more like Laura
from little house on the prairie
a daddy’s girl who was scared to tell her dad
because my mum said he’d be mad
at me bringing shame on the family
she got gender identity confused with sexuality
as she later discovered the two are not remotely related
talk about frustrated
I felt like banging my head
against a thousand brick walls
but knew that in her world
she wanted to keep me safe
she also told me I would be giving up
what she believed was my place in the world
just to be a girl
and she couldn’t understand why
I needed to do it more anything else
If hadn’t my mental health would have suffered
some sort of meltdown
in the end we reached
a compromise born from stubborn wills
when we agreed that girls will be girls
but not in front of the family neighbours and friends
this allowed her to keep up her pretence
whilst I got free make up lessons
tutorials in coordinating outfits
and organising drawers where a woman keeps her secrets
© Gayle Smith 2019.
Skirtingroundmylife 